I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
