I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
