Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
