I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
