we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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