Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
