and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
