i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
