so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
