I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
