It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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