You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
