Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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