dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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