Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
