I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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