I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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