I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
