Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
