Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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