If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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