if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
