This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
