evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
