And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
