Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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