Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
