No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
