I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize