Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm passing your future prison.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
