This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize