So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he was CRYING into my vagina
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
