Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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