he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
