a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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