This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
