Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize