If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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