Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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