Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
