I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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