i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
