We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
