he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So drunk its hurt
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
