Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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