If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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