I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
