I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
