I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
