he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
