I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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