I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
