if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
