if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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