Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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