someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
