Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
